Spit out the Fly
If a fly flew into your mouth, what would you do?
Last year I had the opportunity to meet virtually with one of my role models, Jamie Holyoak. The first time I met him he looked at my cauliflower ear and we instantly connected (as most wrestlers do). Since then he's led me by his example and his ability to develop people, including me!
The story of the fly is one of the many lessons he taught me when I went to him for some leadership and personal advice. He said he got the story from Matt Brown, a NCAA Wrestling Champion from Penn State. When Matt went for the NCAA Championships, he got a LOT of push back. Not only from the crowd, social media and other people in general, but the unspoken words and put-downs that barraged his mind. To get to the top (which he did, by the way), Matt had to find a way to navigate the negativity, so he came up with this hypothetical scenario:
You decide to go on a run to blow off some steam, work off that sleeve of Oreo's you ate the night before (that's definitely me haha) or just run for the sake of running. A few minutes in you start to breathe pretty heavy, and as you open your mouth a fly goes straight in! What do you do at this point? You have a few options:
- Swallow the fly
- Chew on the fly
- Spit out the fly
Which option would you choose? Pretty obvious, right!? Spit out the fly.
Now let's take this to real life (not that this hasn't happened in real life before... if I ran more then it might happen more often, but oh well). In the scenario, the fly represents the destructive thoughts that too frequently pelt your brain. Once it flies into your mind, what do you do with it? Let me argue here that you can't control what thoughts enter your mind, but you can control your reaction to those thoughts.
In 2005, the National Science Foundation discovered that the average human will have 12,000 thoughts a day, 80% of which are negative!! That's a LOT of flies!
I want to dive a little deeper into this analogy (because these are the things I think about). When we "chew on" destructive thoughts, they can leave us feeling temporarily demotivated, depressed, anxious or scared (or all of them at once- let's be honest). But if we choose to "swallow" flies, they become a part of who we are. Our body tries to digest them, leaving it feeling sick and void of nutrients. In other words, the negative thoughts become real to us and we begin to perceive them as the truth, as part of who we are. How scary is that? That's why we should be spitting out the fly (the destructive thought) immediately after it flies into our mouths (our metaphorical minds).
This can be easier said than done. For some reason, we humans are so prone to focus on the negative. When we do so, however, the psychological and emotional damage is often much worse for you than actually eating the occasional fly (I don't have to be a psychologist to know that's true).
So, how do we do it? How can we control our reactions to destructive thoughts? Let me give three steps that have helped me:
- Be mindful. Think: "Does this thought edify me?" If the thought prevents you from reaching your potential and doing the right thing, you can know for sure it's a fly and isn't worth your time.
- Spit it out! If it's a fly, do yourself a huge favor and SPIT THAT THING OUT! It's gross and doesn't belong inside you. It just doesn't.
- Actively engage in positive thinking. Take a second to recognize the things that are going great in your life! Be grateful, say a prayer, reach out to a friend.
This exercise can be really difficult for you if you've already made it a habit of dwelling on and "swallowing" those destructive thoughts (and don't worry, you're just like the majority of the human race). The good news is, it's a skill that can be learned, even mastered! I, for one, am far from this Jedi-like state. It's not an easy exercise, but I've found that small efforts over time make for a happier life, one that you're more in control over, and that's the whole point.
Now, we're not all aspiring NCAA champs, but we all have goals, big and small. As we shoot for these goals, the flies will come, and they will be nasty. So ask yourself:
Will you chew on it?
Or will you spit it out?